Have you ever made a mistake or had an interaction with someone that didn’t go well? After the mistake or interaction did you spend time going over it in your mind and think about all the things you should have done or should have said? This has been one of my biggest downfalls and struggles in life. I fret and worry and rethink the things I should have said or done. Looking back, I can honestly say that this is not helpful because most of the things that I thought were completely wrong or when I look back at it were not really that important in the big scheme of life.
Many of the things we think and rehearse are just stories that we are telling ourselves. Let’s work through this to shed some light on the process but also let’s examine the choices we have to combat this challenge.
I like Focus 3’s formula of E + R = O because it explains this issue well. The “E” stands for Event. The “R” stands for response and the “O” stands for outcome. Let’s first look at the “E” which stands for event or could also be equated to a circumstance. Often this is really something that is not critical or life threatening but we place a value on it.
Event -
In the case of an interaction with a person we would place a value on the circumstance such as it was an argument. You would roll that conversation around in your mind thinking the “would have, should have” said items that either you didn’t say or said but didn’t mean to or shouldn’t have said. You in essence are placing value on what you were arguing about or maybe even placing value on the person who you were arguing with. Sometimes the end results go down to an assumption of the event in a feeling of shame or even self-degradation of the idea that you are a failure. Let me just say that I have been here and done that. Have you?
Response -
The second part of the equation is the response. Let me first say that you have agency and can make a choice in how you respond. I would also secondly like to suggest that whatever the situation whether it was a conversation, or an event try to think the best and give the benefit of the doubt to the other person. These two items should, I hope, lead you to seek a better outcome. Another way that I have tried to frame situations whether that is an interaction or something that I see or hear on the news is that I was not there or in that person’s shoes so I cannot know exactly how I would have responded but also, I will NEVER know the whole story. The challenge when interacting with others is to seek to understand. This step is vital because there is a posture of humility and is a key step to developing trust.
Outcome -
The last part of the equation is the outcome which most times we do not have much control over. In the situation of an argument in the heat of the battle we will often not know the circumstance of what happened earlier in the day or what life challenges that person may be facing that they are not communicating but affect and could have triggered the interaction. I am a firm believer in the pause which whether that is in the response or during the outcome it can give your brain a chance to catch up and help all phases of the interaction.
Ultimately you only have control over the response. As you are working through the story you are telling yourself be mindful of the value you are placing on the event or the person. In 5 years will it really matter? Choose to think the best and try to understand the whole story. The results you get, or the outcome truly does matter. Choose your response wisely.
Growth in this area will take you further faster in your leadership development. I believe we all have room to grow in our leadership. If you are looking to take that next step and need some guidance and accountability, let’s talk. I have some room in my coaching schedule to fit a couple of more clients in. Let’s see if we are a good fit. Click on the button below for a free “Zero” pressure call. I am confident you will find value in the ½ hour session even if you choose not to work with me. Get on my calendar now!