I come from the understanding that everyone has greatness in them. I also believe that you have some sense of what is important and that even when you have challenges and frustrations you can overcome them. An area that I am trying to overcome is the issue of feedback or when someone doesn’t agree with me. This can show up in meetings when a brainstorming session is taking place. It can be when you are trying to communicate an idea, and someone has a question or is not sure what is being communicated. It can come up when you want to do something, and your wife has a different idea. In the past and I still need to check myself with this is that I would take it as a challenge instead of either feedback or just not being clear on my communication. I think it is helpful to step back and ask yourself the question, is it feedback or was I not clear in what I was saying?
Unfortunately, I have not always stopped to process this question and often responded in an emotional way. I am growing in this which has not been specifically on my own will power. We all need input and help in our growth not only personally but professionally. I have been blessed with mentors and people who have challenged me including my wife. Who is giving you feedback? Do you have a mentor, accountability partner or have you considered a coach?
Even some of the biggest names in our world today have enlisted the help of a coach. Bill Gates had this to say, “Everyone needs a coach. We all need people to give us feedback. That’s how we improve.” Hear what Serena Williams says about her coach. “Life is so much bigger than tennis. It’s the basic things in the little steps of life that we overlook. You should be the happiest person alive, because that’s a gift in itself and Tony (life coach) helped me realize that.” I would love to help you with your challenges and if you are interested, please get on my calendar for a free no pressure consultation. Even if you are not ready for a coach there are some things that you should consider when people question you and or are giving you feedback.
Pause to listen to your body
This has been my challenge as I mentioned earlier that I often react. Here is where self-awareness comes into play. For me and maybe you are better, but it often has been an impulse which has been the reaction. What I am learning, and I hope this is helpful to you if you struggle with this is to be aware of your body and how it is responding to the situation. I learned a lot from understanding what happens in your body in what is known as the emotional response cycle. This comes from the University of Berkley.
Emotions are triggered by internal (thoughts, feelings, physiological states) or external events. Such events are immediately interpreted by our thoughts (often not conscious). That interpretation then gives rise to internal neurochemical reactions. At that point we experience the emotion, and we react to it either internally with more thoughts or emotions and/or externally through behavior and actions.
Did you see that the response is often not conscious? This has been my experience which is why being self-aware is so important. Knowing that and having the awareness to stop yourself and pause is huge. By doing this your mind has a chance to process a better response. What happens many times is that my response is because there is a lack of understanding.
Check to see if you are clear in communicating
I am amazed at the speed that our brains process things. In that pause, your mind has the opportunity to think about your response which first is to check your emotions and next to think through whether it is helpful to respond as well as how to respond. In that process your mind does go through a mental check list to see if what was said or done was feedback, an attack or needs more clarification. In normal everyday interactions what comes to the surface more often than not is that one person or the other was not clear in their communication.
“Everyone needs a coach. We all need people to give us feedback. That’s how we improve.”
― Bill Gates
Whether it was a misunderstanding, the information was not flushed out enough or something was omitted it is helpful to ask a clarifying question. A simple “pardon me” or “can you explain that” or “help me understand that” are some great questions to start with. Clarity often requires a follow up question and many times it may require a couple more follow up questions to make sure you have communicated what you want where the person understands. Another way to make sure that you have communicated clearly is to repeat back what they heard or have them repeat back to you that you have tried to communicate.
It is not about you – perspective
Feedback and clarity of communication have to have a context which often boils down to perspective. I heard an example about perspective through using a pen which I found very helpful. Take a pen and put it in front of your eye and look at an object. With the pen in front of your eye what you see is the pen and not the object that you are looking at behind the pen. This is often what happens when you are receiving feedback or trying to communicate with others. What you are seeing and what they are seeing is the pen and not the bigger picture and the object behind the pen. I think to many times I have felt that I am the pen and the object of the feedback which has also blocked my being able to communicate well. Taking the moment to pause and listen as well as go through the mental gymnastics of the clarity of your communication will help in the understanding of perspective.
We need feedback and people to challenge our thinking to make us stronger which will ultimately make you and I more successful. I know that as I get older, I am realizing that I am not the smartest person out there nor do I have to be the smartest person in the room. Everyone comes from a different place, background and experience and can add to the value of the situation. AS I stated at the outset, everyone has greatness within themselves and by having this understanding it will help to receive feedback from others.
What I have found is that leaders have a need to have all the answers. If you have made it this far my guess is that you realize that there are areas you need to grow or there are areas that you might need some help with. My focus is on leadership development which is what this blog has been about. The flip side is that you as a leader need to give feedback and communicate clearly as well. If you find that you or your business is stagnant or not where you feel it should be, let’s talk and see if coaching would be helpful to bring out your greatness.
You have greatness in you! Invest in your self and draw it out!